Today I will walk you through an important yet least talked about part of Luhya marriage traditions: the decorum expected of you when visiting your in laws in the land of Mulembe.
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Of all the relations of mulembe, the highest form of respect is accorded to in laws. It is not uncommon to hear of someone going out on a limb to acquire or even borrow good cutlery, bedding and sofas for that day when they will be visited by their in laws.
However, the onus of being at one’s best falls not only on the host but also the guests. Today I will walk you through the decorum expected when visiting your in laws in the land of Mulembe. Here are 10 rules of etiquette that when observed help maintain good relations between relations that arise by marriage. Kindly note that the following rules are not uniform but are common among the 18 houses of Mulembe. Therefore, it is always best to inquire the nuances of culture and tradition of your mulamwa or basakwa.
1
On greetings
If you are a man, don’t shake hands with elderly ladies. When visiting in laws, take a back step whenever you are introduced to female family members old enough to be your mothers or mothers in law. Do not initiate, handshakes leave it to them to greet you. You might find yourself in an awkward position trying to shake hands with your mother in law, which in some Luhya cultures is nothing shot of an abomination,
Young women should also wait for elderly males to greet them first. This is to avoid one shaking hands with her father in law. This rule of etiquette on greetings is particularly strict among the Bukusu. But on the other end of the spectrum, the Maragoli know nothing of this tradition.
2
Dressing etiquette
As is common in most African cultures, dress decently. For men you will never go wrong with a suit. You can also wear your jeans, polo shirt or any casual wear, but open shoes are a no no. If possible, avoid short sleeved shirts. This is not the place to show some skin. Don’t visit your in laws dressed like you are just about to get into the shower – open shoes, shorts, vests and the like. For women, wear outfits that go as far as below the knee. Avoid trousers, tights, short dresses/skirts. Tight outfits may also be frowned at.
3
Feeling at home
However much your hosts, in the spirit of mulembe, encourage you to feelanga free, do not remove any pieces of your clothing. For young men, this includes a moratorium on removing your shoes. Even if the floor is so polished or the rag so expensive, do not remove your shoes.
If you have to take your jacket off, do it in the car out of sight before you step into the house. This means that you have to think through your engagement. For example, if you are someone who easily breaks into a sweat, don’t wear heavy jackets to your in laws. Heavy jackets might tempt you to remove them which is not allowed.
The best way to prepare is to imagine yourself visiting the queen. Now, however comfortable you might feel, would it be in order to remove your shoes or socks while at Buckingham Palace?
Also, be measured as much as you can in your demeanor. Thus exuberant expressions including laughter are to be kept at a minimum. If you are someone who is often demur, this is not the place. Speak minimally too.
4
Visiting your in laws in the land of mulembe, the stay
After entering your in laws house, don’t close any doors. Ideally one is not allowed to be in the same house with his mother in law or her father in law with closed doors. Keep all doors open when your in laws visit or when you visit them.
5
Meals
When hosting, prepare meals for in laws that are appropriate. The more traditional the meals, the better. Thus Luhya delicacies such as enyama esike, kienyeji chicken, millet ugali and traditional vegetables such as seveve, murenda, are more like it.
Never serve your in laws with ‘everyday’ meals such as githeri, boiled potatoes, boiled maize, sukuma wiki, cabbages etc. Your meals must show effort and thoughtfulness. Go the extra mile and ask in advance preferences in diets e.g. is there anyone among them who doesn’t take milk, is there a diabetic?
6
For the busy bodies…
Yes, the rapport might be good, the camaraderie exceptional and the work of hosting heavy, but do not be tempted to assign duties and tasks to in laws. However, your in laws at their own volition might offer to help. How to balance these opposing demands is the hard part.
Lets take the example of a son in law who finds himself at his in laws home for a certain function like a funeral. The son in law can help around the home with tasks like organizing people to arrange furniture etc. The son in law in not, however, allowed to undertake certain tasks such as splitting firewood.
7
Sit on your nerves
As a host or visitor, never pick fights with anyone while your in laws are visiting. As with any culture, don’t air you dirty linen in public.
8
Taking your leave
Don’t overdo your stay at your in laws. Make sure you leave your in laws home by 5:00pm.
9
Never walk alone
Especially for important events such as funerals, traditional circumcision ceremonies, weddings and the like, do not go visiting your in laws alone. Have a sidekick whose role is to make you look important.
Important people always have atleast one tow along who serves some role in making the VIP’s life fabulous – bodyguard, driver, PA, advisor e.t.c. For the sake of the reputation of your clan, have someone come along when visiting your in laws so that it be seen, as my people say, umetosha gorogoro.
10
If there’s merry making…
Make merry alright, but hold your drink. No staggering. No urinating this way, that way. If your boys have come along, no hitting on the women. No matter what save your moves for latter. Your in-laws hospitality is no excuse to show off your latest kamapeka, lipala, odi or gwara gwara moves.
Thanks