- Dead Husbands, Cheating Wives, Eating Rats and Secret Concoctions: When A Woman Cheats – The Anatomy Of Luhya Myths on Infidelity
- Is it True That a Woman Who Has Been Unfaithful is not Allowed to Nurse, or Mourn in Close Proximity to Her Husband In The Event He Dies?
- Kamanyasi Chronicles
- How Religion Compounds Luhya Myths About Infidelity
- Luhya Myths On Infidelity When Divorced or Separated
- Wait! Do Men Get Let Off? How Luhya Myths On Infidelity Castrate Patriarchy
- Do Luhya Myths On Infidelity Apply To non Luhyas?
- Of Other Meat and Luhya Myths On Infidelity
- The Ultimate Cheaters Cheat Sheet – How To Get Away With Eating Rats
- Luhya Myths On Infidelity Where Children Are Involved
- Khuuna Kumusakhu: Caught In The Act, What’s The Worst That Could Happen?
- The Culture Of Fines And Luhya Myths On Infidelity
- 5 unique first date ideas in Bungoma under 1500 bob
- The Kwa Dina Overpass Plugs in much needed juice to a once vibrant neighborhood in Webuye town
With finality, she dismissed the caller’s proposed antidote to the dire consequences of failing to abide by the stipulations of luhya myths on infidelity. “The fainting trick is bad.” She said. “My mulamwa was sick for two weeks, and the dead husband kept tormenting her at night. It’s no joke. Better to keep off completely and be safe.” The person on the other end of the line uttered something, to which she added, “And if you had separated, he dies, and you’ve been eating rats, and you are asked to sit in as the wife, you must be washed with kamanyasi.”
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Dear reader, the ‘she’ above is my good friend Metrine. Metrine Khaondo, a ligutu’s daughter, named after her great grandmother who was a first wife to a paramount omwami, knows these things. Hanging out one lazy December, I overhead the conversation above. I came to latter learn that Metrine had been talking to her cousin about a common friend of theirs who had just lost a husband.
By this evidence, I asked Metrine if she would be kind enough to help me with a guide: The Ultimate Cheaters Cheat Sheet – How to Get Away With Eating Rats. She gladly obliged. Here’s the outcome of our collaborative efforts. This how to get away with eating rats (khulia chimbeba).
RULE 1: When It Comes To Eating Rats, Stitch In Time Saves Two
First, one needs to cultivate a new hobby. In particular, make tendering for indoor plants a new past-time, and you are halfway there. But acquiring vases and shopping for the ideal indoor plants to serve as cover for your real intentions is half the journey. The easy part of the journey we must add. The hard part is knowing which plants are kamanyasi (herbal concoctions with cleansing powers).
We dare not supply the answers to which plants these might be – because that’s what Senges are for. Up in the village or when living in gated communities with a yard, executing this new hobby might be easier. This is because you can tend the kamanyasi among the flowers, or camouflage them in your yard’s hedge.
However, as the Swahili say, mganga hajigangi. Therefore, however self contained you might feel, always call Senge for advice before becoming one with the kamanyasi.
RULE 2: Don’t We All Need Family? Especially If We Have Been Eating Rats
Especially that ride or die cousin, aunt or sister. You’ll need at least one of such types when trying to get away with eating chimbeba. Speaking of Senges, as you eat rats, be reminded of the importance of maintaining relations with relatives with kimbelembele. This means sending airtime or ‘kakitu’ without fail whenever they come calling.
Before you but, but, me, who said cheating was cheap? Dear people, you lie on the bed you make. Therefore, chimbeba lovers need to have people who know these things, like Metrine, on speed dial. People who know khukhwepitisia oli chumbe mumaengele, comes naturally. The type who will make a beeline to wherever you are kamanyasi in hand, without asking. Those who will move the earth for ‘just in case’. Just in case you ate rats or are eating rats when hubby falls critically ill; worse, kicks the bucket.
RULE 3: May The gods Favor You
And take your sorry chimbeba eating rag of a soul before they take his soul. That happens and the tables turn on your husband. Hubby will now be the one to bear the brunt of luhya myths concerning infidelity. That is, if he is in the habit of eating rats.
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RULE 4 : Prophylaxis With Kamanyasi
For all she knows, Metrine wasn’t sure about this one. Mulembe culture like most African cultures, tends to shy away from creating preconditions for delinquency. Notions like ‘drink responsibly’, or the new darling in the HIV word — PrEP — are inherently oxymoron to the African worldview. So argues my dear friend Khaondo.
Actually, Metrine finds the concept of prophylaxis disturbing. She qualifies her doubt with the view that some stipulations offered here as get out of jail cards are merely symbolic. For instance, the emphasis on Senges being your bailsman, is meant to fortify family relations. Such that because only your Senge can do xyz for you, you must in turn at all times treat her with a certain reverie.
Still, Metrine contends that if kamanyasi for prophylaxis was a possibility, then it would have to be administered at critical moments. For our case, that would be administered before a philandering wife visits a critically ill husband in hospital. Or, if the husband heads to the world of the living dead, take kamanyasi immediately he dies.
So what if she doesn’t? You might wonder.
Khupa Luungu Nekamani!
This is what happens she will khupa luungu nekamani and nothing, nothing will be heard. Translation: The widow will scream her lungs out (khupa luungu nekamani) and no sound will comes out. Her feet will become heavy making her unable to walk. Then everyone will know she ate rats and the deceased husband is trapped between her feet.
What About A Shower?
In spite of her earlier reservations, Metrine reluctantly talks of a trick that she’s heard women in the habit of eating rats utilize. She swears not to know how these women manage to pull it off. Metrine swears that if it’s a sweet tongue, these women have the sweetest. If it is other sweet things…well. The trick is to make your man partake of kamanyasi before either of you dies. Now how one gets around convincing him to do that? Mmmh!
RULE 5: “Watoto Ni Wadogo Na Sina DM” and Other Necessary Lies
“My employer has denied me leave from duty.” Or “Kuna shida ya transport, are other bets. These kind of excuses, common among those in the habit of eating rats, should only be a means to an end. Metrine warns that they should never be an end to itself.
Every village in mulembe has its legend of somebody who ‘refused to be buried’. So their body swells and stinks up the whole place. Or the hearse carrying their body mysteriously develops mechanical failure, such that the body delays to get home. Sometimes, the hiccup happens at the very end – like the casket lowering gear jamming or the grave being too small for the casket.
Myths abound as to why such occurrences happen. Often, the explanation is the dead man wasn’t afforded proper death rituals. And because of this lack of respect, the dead get angry. They then express their anger by remote controlling the living form the world of the living dead.
Sometimes, the anger follows misgivings by the dead over the actions of a living close relative. Maybe there was a family feud unsettled. Possibly a cheating wife dishonoring her dead husband by failing to observe luhya myths on infidelity – like her ‘rat’ tagging along nondescript in consoling her.
Eating Rats? No Need For Public Shame. Believe It Or Not, Luhya Culture Has You Covered
Matrine offers a case of a philandering wife ‘causing her husband’s death’ by visiting or tending to him whilst critically ill. She adds that luhya customs are such that there should be no reason at all for shifwabi (public shame). Because, even on his death bed, a true luhya man will understand his wife’s temporary absence by his side. Therefore, Metrine’s advice is that the lies should only be useful in buying time to do the necessary. But keep away too long and the whole place stinks, literally.
A delay is understandable because:
First, a true blood luhya man would not wish be seen so undignified and weak before his woman. Death is the one thing that destroys the facades that we build around ourselves.
Secondly, because it is understood that both generals can’t head off to the battlefield. One general must remain behind and hold forte. The one who remains should ensure the land is tilled, as hunger is weakness. She should prepare to nurse and nourish the wounded from the war. Besides, if the general comes back as a lifeless body, there should be people to mourn and bury him. As the Bukusu say: Afwile ebikele ne emurwe babana baliyo.
Thirdly, for a luhya man is expected to always have his affairs in order. By the time a luhya man ‘matures’, it is known where he will be buried. Who are/is his wives/wife. Who his children are – including ‘out growers’ if any; and who will get what of his estate.
Time to hide title deeds and prepare in other ways
This is because luhya customs and traditions offer clear rule based instructions on issues like marriage, burial and inheritance. Therefore, a man well steeped in his forefathers ways cannot go to the afterlife and have the ones he left behind in turmoil.
Finally, as we learned in the story of Barasa, a cousin to a cousin of mine, he might as well know/suspect that you have been eating rats. Not wanting to head off too early to the land of the living dead, he might just excuse your absence. For he knows you need time to ‘hide the title deeds and prepare in other ways.’
RULE 6: Simple, Run For Dear Life
A story is told of one of the most bizarre happenings. It carries lessons for men, the rats, caught up with their mrijas dipping into the wrong pot. A man, your average Joe, died and as the body arrived from the city for burial, every man in the village was running away.
It was trouble finding even pall bearers for the wife had slept with most of her in-laws and neighbors sans a few. And the few, were too old to be pallbearers, their strength having dissipated with old age.
RULE 7: All In By Ensuring He’s Surrounded By Family As He Breaths His Last
Hollywood has us believing that a dignified death is one where one ‘goes’ whilst being surrounded by family. Whilst certain luhya death practices like khulinda amoyo go with this vibe, the other alternative -passing on quietly in sleep – appears to be preferred.
As often is the case with chronic illnesses, or as a result of inaccessibility to quality healthcare in modern Kenya, home based care is a reality for most families. So what happens when the man of the household passes on whilst being cared for at home? Well luhya traditions stipulate that both the widow and children ought take kamanyasi.
A sly philandering soon-to-be widow could use this opportunity to pitiamo ndani. She might have missed out on taking kamanyasi before tending to him in his sickness; but she will be able to mourn in peace.
