How Religion Compounds Luhya Myths About Infidelity

At a certain period in my teens, I fought with my parents over my refusal to attend church on Sundays. I lost the battle when my smart ass mum once quipped: “Who’s going to bury you when you die? Go to church so that they know you. Lest you get buried by the state in Langata. Thrown away like a dog. The cemetery workers counting days to your decomposition, so that they dig you up for another to be buried.” For a circumcised luhya man, being buried like that, being denied the honor of death rituals, is enough to trigger PTSD. It gets worse for cheating spouses as religion compounds luhya myths about infidelity.

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FOR AFRICAN SPIRITUAL FAITHFUL, A PUBLIC CONFESSION IS THE REMEDY AGAINST THE BRUNT OF LUHYA MYTHS ABOUT INFIDELITY

I did overhear a conversation between my mother and a house help that we’d just hired. The house help had inquired if her church was in our neighborhood. I can’t remember the name of the church, but it was one of those African spiritual churches found all across mulembe. You know the ones with colorful robes, flags and lit processions of dance, rhythm and worship every Sunday? Those ones.

Ever the undercover cop, mum made the most of the opportunity to open a line of inquiry. Tactfully, she coaxed out details of worship in this church. A key element of worship involved public confessions of one’s transgressions. By public, I mean very public. If you had coveted another man’s wife, you’d have to say it. Publicly confess while in the middle of a circle made by frenzied up faithfuls singing and chanting riswa!

For cheating wives, what luhya myths about infidelity demand isn’t that far off from the public confession demanded by these faiths. Because luhya myths on infidelity stipulate that on the day he’s buried, that moment the hearse is being lowered into the grave, the unfaithful widow dances as the rest of the mourners.

When the Dead Husband Sits on his Unfaithful Wife’s Legs

But for her case, she dances a hilarious dance. One where as she alternately throws her legs forwards like a person kicking a ball, claps her hands and chants “I ate rats.” “I ate rats.” “I ate rats.” The chanting and throwing of legs is meant to release the deceased husband from the wife`s feet. If the widow’s deceased husband remains trapped between her feet, she will not be able to remarry or move on.

Unless this dance happens goes the legend, potential suitors would come near. But never close enough, before abandoning their mission. The curse of breaking this luhya myth about infidelity is great. Picture this: The widow might be all excited about getting down to business with a new suitor, only for her new bull to suffer a curious case of erectile dysfunction.

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FOR QUAKERS (and most mainstream christian denominations), CHEATING WIVES ARE SAFE UNTIL THE VERY END† WHEN THINGS GET STICKY

Baquaker traditionally have a strong conservative streak; which honestly is a bit of an oxymoron given their more expressive roots – hence the name Quakers. Nonetheless, their conservatism doesn’t negate traditions. Once again, through this domination’s embrace of burial rites and practices prevalent across mulembe, we see how religion compounds luhya myths about infidelity.†

Conservatism means that dance is not a common feature of Quaker services. However a final dance, more of a procession really, that honors the dead puts to test a luhya myths on infidelity. This myth bars mourning by a cheating wife and or their side plates in close proximity to the corpse of the dead husband. The first dance/procession that puts this to test happens when close relations of the deceased ‘dress’ the deceased one last time.†

The Procession of the Final Dressing †

It’s worth pointing out that the procession of the final dressing is common across most religious groups in western Kenya. It’s precisely because of this and other burial rituals discussed here, that our hilarious offering “The Ultimate Cheat Sheet: How to Get Away with Eating Rats“, provides both amusing and useful reading for cheating spouses. †

This is how the dance happens. In a manner reminiscent to the way a group would lay wreaths, homogeneous groups of relatives move in procession. But here, instead of bouquets of flowers, family members hold the edges of a lace cloth. They then move along whilst singing religious hymns. At the end of the procession, with some ado, they drape the casket. Typically, you’d end up with processions of bababa, bamama, bana, grandchildren and so on. The number of drapes is limited only by funds available to acquire the lace cloth.

Woe unto unfaithful wives given the taboos on mourning close to the the dead husband. You can imagine the ruckus if everybody else was to dress her husband one final time and she missed out. Especially given the fact that the first honor belongs to her.

The Fare Thee Well Procession

A youthful pastor I know often uses a hilarious narration of this procession to illustrate the preaching that salvation is personal. He quips that however much our loved ones dot us, they can only escort our dead selves to our final resting place till a certain point. That on the day of your burial, they all will gather around your grave, sing, wail and even collapse, but none will dare jump into the grave.

This procession where pallbearers carry the casket ends with lowering of the casket and covering up. For a cheating spouse, of all the ways how religion compounds luhya myths about infidelity, this one has to be the easiest to sidestep. The widow only needs to feign being overcome with emotions and ‘faint’ until it’s done.

The Mary Magdalene Procession & Luhya Myths About Infidelity

A few days after the burial, Quaker women gather and spend the night at the widow’s. Just before the crack of dawn, the women wake up and dress up in full USFW gear. They then simulate Mary Magdalene trip to Jesus’s tomb. The Marys had gone to Jesus burial spot to apply perfumes and oil on his body according to Jewsish tradition. But as the Easter story informs us, they found only his robes as he risen.

The Quaker version consists mainly of prayer and hymns. Now, of the situations illustrating how religion compounds luhya myths about infidelity, this one has to be the tightest to get out of.

First, it is a strictly women’s affair guided by feminine care ethics. The specifics of what is discussed in the sleep over remain a woman’s secret. What is evident though is that the ceremony itself is very intimate. Candles are lit, hymns sang and prayers said by the graveside. Though the guy is now six feet under, the intimacy of it all ought call for kamanyasi – either in form of prayer or the real thing – for a cheating wife.

PENTECOSTAL ASSEMBLIES OF GOD (PAG) BURIAL RITES AND LUYHA MYTHS ON INFIDELITY

It’s said that Africans always got rhythm, that Africans are always lit. Truth be told, nothing beats a PAG conducted funeral. There’s everything the others have: hymns to soothe the soul; preaching to help in day dreaming; speeches and food. Then there’s more: dancing, dancing and more dancing.

I have to refer you to the video below to get a sense of what I am talking about. What happens is that the burial service literally stops. The drums start playing and a soloist takes charge. The congregation joins in. Then it’s ten or so minutes of unbridled dance, jumping, clapping and signing. Take a look

Besides that, as you will realize towards the end of the video, there is another procession. In a PAG service, this procession that takes place just before the burial includes once again uninhibited dancing, clapping and singing. You have to ask yourself where an unfaithful wife would hide in such an ‘involving’ atmosphere.

FOR MUSLIM WOMEN, RELIGION DOES THE BIDDING

For those married to Muslims, if your hubby dies and you’ve been eating rats, simply faint and get rushed to hospital. First, the intervening period between death and burial is so short. Therefore, any form of delay antics should enough to do the trick. Besides, I am reliably informed that in Islam, women aren’t allowed by the graveside.

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