Among my people, to be a man, you have to be honorable and ask for a girls hand in marriage the right way. For the Bukusu, this includes writing a letter of intent and when granted, expertly navigating your first meeting with her family known as the show up or introduction.
Today I want to tell you a story on one of the many rules and rites that line the path to a Bukusu customary marriage. You remember the story I told you how we married each other? The one about #MyMarriageMyChoice? That one that included the gory story of how some marriages came to be because some young man had wrestled a girl at the river and carried her home on his shoulders to be his wife? Well today, we talk of something closer home.
COMES WE STAY, HOW TO MAKE IT WORK THE BUKUSU WAY
Nowadays, a majority of us are getting married by accident rather than by design as the days of our fathers and grandfathers. By this I mean often is the scenario of a girl is doing whatever she’s up to in town A. In the way these things go, the girl starts dating a boy working in the same town or another. They get intimate here, there. Get tired of shuttle between their houses every other weekend. Then then slowly become fatigued paying rent for two houses; shopping for two houses and even doing laundry in two houses. One thing leads to the other and they finally find themselves living together.
For some of us, we moved in together because of unplanned pregnancy. Others just get tiered of texting and talking on the phone and just decide to live with their soulmates. Either way, a come-we-stay is what they have. While the has been a tendency by holier-than-thou-types to castigate these type of marriages, as we saw in our hilarious story on the Luhya version of Tinder, among the Luhya it matters little how the couple got together in the first place. What matters is how the couple moves on from there.
I will be giving an account of how such a couple can move on from here honorably. However, since am Bukusu, the account will be skewed towards how my people do it.
LETTER OF INTENT
After coupling up, the two love birds will need to communicate their decision with their families. The burden lies with the lad as he is considered to be responsible for “making a the girl jump the fence”. Therefore, the boy will be required to write a letter to his would be parents in law introducing himself. In the hand written letter, he will state clearly his intention to make their daughter his wife.
Further, the boy who by this act is becoming a man will also seek permission to meet his would be in laws on a given date. On receipt of the letter, his in laws may then respond by confirming the date or may suggest an alternative date. The purpose of this meeting with his prospective parents in laws is basically to show face. If you like, own up to his indiscretion physically to the mistake of eloping with someone’s daughter.
THE SHOW UP OR INTRODUCTION
Jokes aside, the show up is meant to be an introductory party where the lad honors his prospective in laws. This is achieved as his actions are deemed to be a formal, albeit time-lapsed, ask for her hand in marriage.
In other words, it is a way of saying: I’m here; I am responsible and want to take care of your daughter; My desire is to make our decision as a couple binding before man and God; That this son of whoever from wherever apologizes and takes full responsibility for the dishonorable, fledgling foolishness act of your daughter leaving home ‘through the fence’.
On this first appointment with the girls parents, boy child has to put his best foot forward. Therefore, just like a prince heading into battle he needs to dress up. I remember the day of my show up like it was yesterday. It was the first time I saw my hubby in a neck tie. To date, I’d be lying if I knew where he got it from. He looked good though. Needless to add, I have never seen the damned tie again.
Putting his best foot forward also means that the prospective son in law has also to chose his company wisely. He can bring along his brother/cousin, a friend or both. Never a father as this may wrongly indicate that want to ambush the family with discussions on enganana. The show up is a boys thing.
HOW THE GROOM TO BE SHOULD CARRY HIMSELF DURING THE SHOW UP
Besides the choice of company, when the raider and his entourage get to the girl’s home, they are supposed to cause little disturbance as possible. This means no hooting, drunkenness or any form of delinquency. And just to add, in the spirit of mulembe, delinquency here includes excessive show of wealth such as choppers, chase cars or moving in convoys.
Further, the troop dare not remove any piece of clothing that they have on them whilst within the precincts of the home. This means no removing shoes or anything. That includes your suit’s coat; better therefore dress appropriately. This is to say that, brother, sweat inside that suit all you want, but do not in anyway appear like you are undressing.
By all means desist from passive-aggressive shows of owning the space like whistling, pocketing, taking up mzee’s chair in the living area or perching your feet atop the table. Moreover, I remind all grooms to be mindful of every aspect of their body language.
However, when food is served, the groom to be and his entourage are expected to eat to their fill. Translated, this means that they should eat like men, but be careful not to look like gluttons. As far as handling the matter before hand, the lad’s party should chose a spokesman who will speak on behalf of the pack.
QUALITIES A GROOM TO BE SHOULD LOOK OUT FOR WHEN CHOOSING WHO TO SPEAK ON THEIR BEHALF DURING THE SHOW UP
This could be an elder brother or cousin. It is preferred that a blood relative handles this bit. However, even if this is the case, the spokes person should be a person well composed and a super negotiator. He should be someone who knows how to read non verbals, know when to speak and when to keep quiet. Most importantly he should also almost know how to communicate and control his team using coded body language.
In all this the son in law to be must always keep in mind two golden rules. The first is that the show up is no formality. Your prospective parents in law accepting to meet you does not translate to them embracing you. As the Bukusu say: xxxxxx.
Secondly, the purpose of this visit is for the lad to make himself known to his in laws. The show up is the first of the other many visits he will be making to his in laws. However, even at this very early stage, boy child must be careful not to cross boundaries like shaking hands with his would be mother in law.
