This scene from Steve Kay’s “Mbe Omukhasi” is an acceptable rendition of the part of the wedding ceremony in a traditional Bukusu marriage that took place at the girl’s matrimonial home. Image| Steve Kay | Dennis Machio| YouTube
A recent gazette notice from the AG office that appeared to outlaw customary marriages, got my antenna up on this one. As any girl will confess, we do think about weddings a lot. Kapsaaa! A lot. As a result, I have been toying with ways to rope in my Embokho into my fantasy world where we savor the best of both worlds. A traditional wedding in line with our Bukusu marriage customs; then a beach wedding in Diani- simply because am product of both worlds.
BUKUSU MARRIAGE CUSTOMS AND TRADITIONS AT A GLANCE
Use the jump links menu below for easy and convenient access of our in depth coverage on Bukusu marriage customs and traditions.
| A Model Bukusu Marriage | The Quintessential Bukusu Marriage: The Arranged Marriages | Important Bukusu Marriage Customs and Traditions Following Arranged Marriages | Bukusu Marriages By Elopement | Other Customs And Traditions Regarding Marriage Among The Bukusu |
| My Grandparents Marriage | The Conspiracy Of Strategic Arranged Marriages | How a Suitable Spouse Was Selected | A Man Too Poor For Love | A Case For Wife Inheritance |
| Bukusu Married Life | Freedom To Choose: When You Scout and Be Scouted | The Approach: How a Bachelor Asked For a Girl’s Hand In Marriage | A Woman Too Stubborn or Picky For Love | The Bukusu Marriage Ceremony |
| Married As A Living Sacrifice | The Case Of Mr Cave man | Divorce In Bukusu Culture | ||
| Married, In Your Stead! | Polygamy As A Status Symbol Among The Bukusu |
Jairus Weds Nakhatama
The uproar – #mymarriagemychoice- that this gazette notice elicited jolted me from my world of fairies and pink elephants. So I talked to Nakhatama about her marriage. Nakhatama couldn’t help herself. It had been a while since I had seen Khuku laugh so heartily.
You want to tell me that my marriage to my jambazi is null and void?
She asked between the chuckle pausing to catch her breath. Trying hard to keep her voice down, using her pouted lips to point at grandpa deep in his afternoon siesta,
Don’t let that one know. He might bring another one.
At this point, I couldn’t help but join in. In spite of the raucous, grandpa never even let a flicker – the peace that comes with a 62 year old marriage. Then there is the playfulness. Using her mkwaju to poke his thigh, Nakhatama, amidst the now infectious laughter, retorted :
Jairus! Wake up. Kenyatta says that we have to get married again!
You see, for Nakhatama and Jairus, marriages were elaborately planned. Everything from creed to behavior to reputation was meticulously dissected and let out to gunama (marinate, Lulogooli ) then dry. Registration? are you kidding me? After all who didn’t Know that it was Jairus son of Matayo the one with a Kaptula who had been feeding Nakhatama all these tales of a place called Burma?
Moreover, aside from close community ties, a Bukusu marriage was considered sacred. Be it arranged, by elopement or wife inheritance. Parents played a very key role in selecting spouses for their children and Just like in Bukusu naming customs, there was method and symbolism to every step.
Also Read
TRADITIONAL BUKUSU MATRIMONY: THE CENTRAL ROLE OF ARRANGED MARRIAGES
For Mbukusu, courtship and marriage was a community affair. Thus arranged marriages were a common occurrence. A typical scenario had a male from a certain family ask his sisters, cousins, aunties and friends to find him a girl to marry. More commonly though, the prospective groom had already been subliminally led to this decision by these very characters. His female relatives almost always had a prospective candidate in mind as soon as circumcision was done with. This scout team set out to look for a girl with attributes that the community valued like: ability to cook well, bear children and work in the fields.
Conspiracy
The other scenario that led to a arranged Bukusu marriage was when the father of the lad conspired with the father of a girl. This often happened without the knowledge of the two. Marriages like these were usually conducted to strengthen existing family ties. An example could be where the would be in-laws were close friends or even business partners.
Freedom To Choose A Partner: Scout and Be Scouted
A third scenario that led to an arranged customary Bukusu marriage happened saw the boy himself look for a hard-working girl from a reputed family. Here, the approach involved the boy’s accomplices accompanying him in accosting the potential wife.
The meeting place was usually in or near the girl’s home. She too came to the meeting place accompanied by her girl friends (Baloli). The question was then put to the girl, and if she agreed, both parties broke camp heading to tell their parents. Nakhatama tells me the incentive for the Baloli and the boy’s accomplices was the chance to scout and also be scouted.
Married As A Living Sacrifice
Arranged marriages also occurred among feuding families to act as a cleanser. Consider a situation where there was a death in family A suspected to have been committed by a member of family B. Over time the two families could have lived with animosity, tension and a lot of bad blood between them. An elderly woman from either side would tip the potential suitor to marry a woman from the enemy side. When such marriages happened, family A and B would restore relations and mutual respect. Women were considered living sacrifices that took away sins committed by their clans.
Married, In Your Stead!
The fifth scenario leading to Bukusu marriages that were arranged happened when a married woman died during child birth or any other cause and left very young children. The woman’s family would give out a younger sister to marry the widower to bring up her children and continue with everything her late sister had started. In this scenario, no dowry was paid for the second woman. Only the balance of the first woman’s agreement was paid. However if no dowry had been paid, then the man must pay a fine called khurunga kumurwe.
Read The Meaning Of Khurunga Kumurwe: Would You Pay For A Head?
Finally, arranged marriage also happened when childless woman looked for a woman of her choice. She brought the woman to her husband to marry and bear children. The barren woman would still be recognized and honored as the first wife.
BUKUSU CUSTOMS FOLLOWING ARRANGED MARRIAGES
Shortlisting and Selection Of A Successful Candidate for Spouse
In cases where more than one girl got identified, the boy’s family would sit down and eliminate one after the other. At this stage, girls with embanya – gaps between their incisors, those with big hips and plump statures for child bearing and those with long necks to wear ornaments were preferred. It should be noted that these attributes were not the primary indicators considered in determining potential wives.
Before the approach, by the boy or his father, careful, private inquiries were made about the girl’s character and her ability to work. Before accepting – sometimes even after accepting – the girl too made inquiries about the bachelor’s character. Nonetheless, the ability to bear children, hard work and character remained paramount in the search.
The Approach: How A Boy Would Ask For A Girl’s Hand In Marriage According To Bukusu Customs
Once a girl was identified, Bakoki (age mates) were sent as emissaries to her parents to ask for her hand. The girl had no say whatsoever in the whole matter. Bride price would be discussed, and then once it was paid she would be sent off to live with her new husband. This approach is still common today. Dowry could be paid in part – never fully- upfront and continued to be paid later after the marriage had been solemnized.
After the two families approving the marriage, the girl selected -bakesia- brides maids to escort her to her matrimonial home. Only well behaved girls were selected for this purpose. Wedding songs are sung, as people danced, ate and drunk busaa. The boy and girl officially begun their marital lives after this celebration.
BUKUSU MARRIAGE BY ELOPEMENT
All I need in this life of sin is me and my girlfriend
Down to ride ’till the very end; just me and my girlfriend- Tupac
Marriage by elopement were not uncommon. Bukusu marriage by elopement happened when the girl and boy agreed to marry without their parents’ consent. Here, the love birds would plot for the girl to run away when sent for water or firewood. All the same, there was a definite procedure after the Romeo and Juliet antics to make the marriage valid via dowry payment.
Too Poor For Love
The second scenario would be where the boy would be from a poor family and could not afford to pay the likely bride-price. Traditional society allowed such boys to abduct girls. The couple would then leave their home to live with a far-off relative for a while, until the boy acquired enough wealth to pay the original bride price, as well as a fine to the parents of the girl.
A ‘Solution’ When A Girl Was Too stubborn
In the third scenario leading to an eloped Bukusu marriage happened where the boy could liaise with parents of the girl and take her forcefully. Parents would cooperate by sending the girl for firewood or water at the well and then signal the boy. The boy was assisted by fellow energetic men, who would offer security for some days to ensure the girl did not run back to her home. This was the route of choice for girls who had repeatedly turned down suitors or ran away from home to hide whenever suitors came asking for her.
Mr Cave Man
The other happenstance that led to a Bukusu marriage by elopement was the rare occurrence where a boy would take a girl by force without the consent of her parents. When parents of a girl learned that their daughter was missing, they would look for her and when they find the home where she would staying, they would take cattle by force from the home as bride wealth
OTHER CUSTOMS REGARDING MARRIAGE AMONG THE BUKUSU
Wife Inheritance
A man could marry his older brother’s wife when the brother died. Where there was no younger brother to inherit the wife according to custom, a male cousin took her instead. This marriage was meant to satisfy the widow’s sexual needs and take care of orphaned children.
A Snap Shot Of The Traditional Bukusu Marriage Ceremony
When the parents and relatives of the girl in any of the Bukusu marriage scenarios described above (except for wife inheritance) were satisfied with the boys character, arrangements were made for the wedding.
A big feast was prepared, both at the girl’s and at the boy’s home. The boy, together with his friends, went to the girl’s home to fetch her. There was much singing at the girl’s home. When everything was ready, the boys left with the bride and a large group of girls (Baloli) to act as bridesmaids.
These girls sang wedding songs the whole journey to the boy’s home. In some cases the boy did not come to fetch his bride in the manner explained. Instead, the girl’s brothers and male cousins accompanied her and her bridesmaids to the groom’s home. At the groom’s home, too, the women of his side sang appropriate songs. There was much dancing, drinking and eating.
Divorce In Bukusu Culture
Divorce is allowed, but extremely frowned upon. Bukusu marriage was often the goal of life, with men not being able to own property until after marriage. Also, marriage bonded the tribe together making divorce a forceful division difficult to cushion and remedy.
Read: Luhya Myths On Infidelity When Separated Or Divorced.
Polygamy, A Status Symbol
Customary Bukusu marriages are polygamous. Polygamy, embalikha, drew legitimacy from it’s functional purposes and economic factors. Agriculture and domestic work done primarily by women were labor intensive and extra wives and children provided the required assistance.
In Bukusu marriage, duties were strictly segregated. Housework and agricultural duties were done by the women and the children. The older boys looked after cattle. Young, newly married boys formed the community’s warriors, while middle-aged men did nothing, mainly. Older men formed the village’s council of elders, and resolved disputes.
Bukusu also sanctioned polygamy because of the centrality of children as a guarantee to immortality as well as economic assets of labor and dowry. A man could marry more than on wife and a large family was a tribute to the man and his tribe. Men were also encouraged to acquire other spouses in case of infertility.
Bukusu Married Life
Depending on the family a woman is married into, life for a new wife can be a test of nerves, character and all she ever learned from her senjes, mothers and other well meaning people. The challenge faced by omwea (new wife) is famously told to young girls as a way of preparing them for the stereotypified mother-in-law from hell. It is the story of Nabwile and simsim, a homiletic based on a day in the life of omwea, I urge you to read it.
In the polygamous family setting, the first wife accorded a special status among her co-wives. Children inherited the clan of their father, and were not allowed to marry spouses from either their own clan, or their mother’s clan. The first son of the first wife was usually the main heir to his father, and he had a special name denoting this status: Simakulu.
Young boys got married at about the age of 18-20, and girls at 16. The Bukusu highly approved of intermarriages between themselves and other communities like other Luhya sub-tribes and BaMasaaba. This is because they have quite a number of similarities in their codes of conduct, marriage customs, circumcision traditions and even folklore.
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